#26

I am everything you see and even more that you don't.
I am the ocean, ever moving, ever changing
I am the wonder you experience when you view the stars in the midnight sky
But don't reach for me
I am the fire that will burn you
Or escape between your fingers like grains of sand.
I am intense love and intense anger,
I am what you want but will make you believe I am what you need.
I will enter your mind and make you feel bewildered
I will console you but only for a moment
For a fistful of me is more than what you can bear
I am now, not past, present, nor future
And when you think you understand you really don't
Because I don't want you to.
I am a riddle, a contradiction, an oxymoron, a fluke.
I am in you

Making Peace with Life

Life, like water, is always moving. Even water classified as "stagnant" is moving. We just don't see it because it's movement may not be quick, or forceful, or constant, but it is moving. The question is, is stagnant water moving too slowly for us to see or are we too impatient to sit and pay attention to it's subtle motion? Like water, life has these moments. Tempestuous moments and stagnant moments. Like the tide it ebbs and flows. The waves build, crest, crash, and then calmly reach the sand, and the water is slowly drawn back into the larger scheme of things, until new waves build. It is never still. It is always moving, irregardless of how much attention you choose to pay it or what you try to deny. It will continue. Throughout most of my life I have exhausted myself by fighting against what will be in spite of my denial. I have built detours around situations I wanted to avoid. I have closed my eyes to the truth and chose to live in darkness, knowing, that the outcome was inevitable. To no avail. Life has always been what it was going to be; my actions may have only prolonged the outcome, but, not changed it. I am choosing to make peace with life. To ride the crest and crash with it and then, calmly be drawn back into the larger picture until the next situation arises. Living through fear is not living. Living through fear of failure retards personal growth and awareness. I am embracing conflict, peace, love, loss, anger, hurt, desire, good, bad, success, and failure. Accepting half of the equation causes a grave imbalance that I cannot afford to live with.

#25

The cloak has been pulled from my eyes and now, we can no longer continue with how things were.
The "maybe-s" and uncertainties of this kindred relationship have now become realities
And the risk is too great to not alter the nature of this joint venture.
So, at my feet is a list of options and variables that can be configured and permutated to create solutions to move forward. Positively.
The past is left behind and I am stepping forward with the new knowledge and certainty that I have acquired from this unfortunate happenstance.
It is your choice as to whether or not you will join me or allow your ego to keep your feet from taking that first step.
I am moving on with or without you.

#24

I can't fool myself into believing that I will stop loving you, no matter how hard I try. I can give space. I understand you're on your hustle and trying to advance in this crazy mixed-up world. I am an awesome space-giver. I'm curious to see how much space is too much, what constitutes as too little space, and learning the boundaries of this relationship which seem to ever change. Let's just remember to make time for one another and nuture "us." Even the greatest redwood will cease to exist if it doesn't receive proper water and sunlight.

#23

As I lay in bed, head tilted on the pillow, chin touching shoulder, I am realizing that summer is quickly fading. The sunshine-y warmth of my skin is not radiating as it was just a few short weeks ago. When I awake in the morning there is a crisp chill that lets me know a change of seasons is in the air. The trees are beginning to lose their leaves; I have harvested my tomatoes and peppers; and a fall wreath is on the door. Candy corn and mini chocolate bars line the drug store aisle next to overpriced costumes. I cannot believe that summer, which I had anxiously anticipated, is fleeting so fast. It's like she was never here.

Hiatus

Busy with back to school stuff...be back soon.

#22

OK. So sometimes we know what we want and like even if it's not what's best for us. This was reinforced for me today. I know that I make some decisions that are selfish, emotional, even nonsensical and plain ol' stupid. But I also make well thought out and selfless decisions. I know I'm a good person irregardless as to what anyone says even if sometimes my actions can be interpreted as otherwise. Can I look at myself in the mirror without feeling shameful? Yes. Sometimes I even laugh because folks take life way too seriously. I'm only here once. I don't get to do this again. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Will I stumble? Of course. But I gotta go in with the gusto and be true to myself. I have to live for me. And the only one that needs to live with my actions and the consequences is writing this entry.