#22

OK. So sometimes we know what we want and like even if it's not what's best for us. This was reinforced for me today. I know that I make some decisions that are selfish, emotional, even nonsensical and plain ol' stupid. But I also make well thought out and selfless decisions. I know I'm a good person irregardless as to what anyone says even if sometimes my actions can be interpreted as otherwise. Can I look at myself in the mirror without feeling shameful? Yes. Sometimes I even laugh because folks take life way too seriously. I'm only here once. I don't get to do this again. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Will I stumble? Of course. But I gotta go in with the gusto and be true to myself. I have to live for me. And the only one that needs to live with my actions and the consequences is writing this entry.

#21

My heart is open to loving you, that is a fact that I cannot deny,
But I can't do this with you today.
Believing that this is something that it will never be, that it was never meant to be,
My bubble has burst today and reality has given me a stinging smack.
I don't know what it is about this beautiful Monday,
Warm sun shining, a cloudless sky
I just can't today, and it's scary.
Because I used to be able to follow with blinders, not giving things a second thought
Fooling myself to think that it's right
Fooling myself to think love can conquer all
When I know what the reality is

#20

All has been quiet the past few days. Not much going on, nothing as a matter of fact. Getting the kids ready to return to school and the dog days of summer are winding down. Looking for and need some excitement to get me revved up. Wishing I could see him for all the selfish reasons...

#19

One star
Belonging to two constellations
Completing each
How is this possible
That one can see itself in two
Perplexing is the duality of life
And yet, how wonderful.

Maxwell Bad Habits

Is anyone else as obsessed with this song as I am??

Make me queasy
Don’t speak no sound
I want you to prove it to me in the nude
Addicted to the way you move
Honey, if anything ever should change in you
Don’t worry I’m standing still
I’m moving with the right wheel

Chorus:This is the highest cost,
Take you and make you off
Live you and leave you lost
Will you forgive me?
Asked out all over town
Drags you and keeps you down
Two times in a day around
Will you forgive me?

I can’t control the feeling
Girl 'cause I know you’re here
I feel you from the floor to the ceiling
Girl, I’ll feel you when you comb your hair
Lady, when we lock it low (ah, ah)
We get together, it’s an overdose
I’m slippin’, I’m here, I’m on my knees
I feel my heart’s about to explode

Chorus:This is the highest cost,
Take you and make you off
Live you and leave you lost
Will you forgive me?
Asked out all over town
Drags you and keeps you down
Two times and I take a round
Will you forgive me?

Baby, to tell the truth
When I’m sober I jonez for you
When its over I’m overdue (huh)
Girl, there's no one as bad as (no one as bad as you)
You got me slippin around with it
Around with it, awhile
You got me sick with this love, baby
I’m so, I’m so in love, I can’t come down

Chorus:This is the highest cost,
Take you and make you off
Live you and leave you lost (baby)
Will you forgive me?
Asked out all over town
Drags you and keeps you down
Two times and I take a round
Will you forgive me?

You’re my bad habit baby
You’re my, you’re taking my soul, down to the level
Can’t escape the way you got me locked up baby
I gotta break from you, break from you, break from you

Chorus:This is the highest cost
Take you and make you off
Live you and leave you lost
Will you forgive me?
Asked out all over town
Drags you and keeps you down
Two times and I take a round
Will you forgive me?

I can’t control the feelin’ (feelin’, feelin’, feelin’, feelin’)
I can’t control the feelin’ (feelin’, feelin’, feelin’, feelin’)
In my soul, soul

#18

When last have I visited the beach? It's been at least a year or so. I love the beach. I love watching the tide roll in and out again. It's such a beautiful mystery, Mother Nature. I watch the tide and let my mind fly free as the seagulls above. How many ships have chartered these waters? The same waters that brought my ancestors, in bondage, across the Atlantic. I look out onto the expansive ocean and I am reminded of my smallness. Of how time is always passing and waits for no one. That squandering time is a transgression; a luxury that none of us have. Of how small miracles are happening all the time. Why do we as people not appreciate the smallness of things? We are always looking to do things big; to have the biggest; to make a scene. But there is much to be said about the simplicity of smallness. The tranquility of having less. I just wanted to hold your hand and be in that moment with you, sitting on the sand, watching the waves crest and crash; watching the sun set. Hearing the laughter of children, watching lovers nuzzle each others' necks, the joyous music of families reuniting and everyone partaking in the human experience of living. being.

The One I Let Get Away

My darling, some time has passed and yet the emotions are still swirling and I feel like I am outside of myself. What an experience that was to have shared with you. My feelings are now ready to be released. What a danger zone we have entered. I feel more connected with you now than ever before. This relationship is a beautiful tragedy. No feelings truer or more intense have been felt. The sadness I feel when we are apart is profound and it is as if I have lost a part of myself. I am sick with love for you. I want to be with you in stillness. In silence. Not doing anything together but sharing the same space. I want to know that if I need something I need only to call downstairs and you'll be there. We will never share that. We will never celebrate birthdays, Christmases, Easters together and it makes me very sad. Were it not for what I have I'd be alone. I need you. I want to share my life with you in a public way; have gorgeous little babies with you; all the things I will be denied. I love you nonetheless and it's sad that I would rather have a piece of you than none of you.